I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
