i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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