my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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