I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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