she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
