You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
