Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
