the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
