Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Sorry my hands just texted you
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
