May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
