Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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