I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
