Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
