Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
