Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
