I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
