there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
