I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize