I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize