If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
