i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
