I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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