my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
