DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
