I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
