girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
