he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
