i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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