Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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