never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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