Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'm always down for nudity.
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