I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
