why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
