you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
