My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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