My sheets look like a crime scene.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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