the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
