im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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