He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We left an ass print on the piano.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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