Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
In other news, I just burned my penis
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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