your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize