You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize