Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
