Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize