Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
