direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
