I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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