I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
