News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
