before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We have started to decorate penises.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
