i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
