I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
