Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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