this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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